Blog 

Kids Say the Darndest Things, Mars Edition

On Thursday I was one of the judges for the Design A Martian Habitat Contest for students grades K-12. My part of the process was to look over each entry and provide a few comments as well as a grade from 0.0 to 4.0 for Originality, Feasibility, Science and Engineering, Essay, and Total. My comments and grades, along with those of the other judges, will be used in the final determination of the winners. At least two judges will grade each entry.

There were a lot of entries. I got through about half of the ones from the grade 5-8 section. Most of those were from grade 5.

I was very impressed. Almost all of the entries identified the most pressing issues for human survival on Mars and provided plausible solutions to those issues. Many of the essays were very well written and most were accompanied by a vivid and enthusiastic illustration of the habitat design. My hat’s off to these kids.

Even the best essays, however, contained occasional phrases that, for all their sincerity, made me laugh out loud. (And I must emphasize that some of these came from essays I graded highly.) So here’s a “greatest hits” composite essay with all the bits that were just too much fun not to share. Every sentence below came from an actual entry, with spelling, capitalization, and punctuation exactly as shown…

MY MARS HABITAT
by David, grade 5

INTRODUCTION

Mars is the coolest place on earth. Mars is an amazing planet and we need to be prepared for Whatever its surface beholds.

Jonah is going to Mars. He brings food, water, air, metal, tools, spacesuit, more air, plants to make more air with, and his guitar. First, he goes to Phobos. Phobos is like rocks.

And off they traveled in to the unknown bounders of space only to find the planet mars …

AIR, WATER, FOOD, AND GRAVITY

The astronauts brought big, warm puffy coats and lots of blankets to keep them warm; they also brought materials that would make the bad air from outside turn into good air that they could breathe only in their air tight shelter.

Astronauts will gather water from the ice caps. They will collect the ice and bring it down to a vat of hot water. The ice will melt and the astronauts will have water. I would test it to see if you could drink it. I would take all the chemicals out of it.

They will get gravity by using the gravity box that NASA has lent them. They will also wear heated clothes that look kind of like a space suit but not as fat looking.

I would bring a food supply that would last years. I will need apples, water, meat and a refrigerator to store food. I would also bring beans.

Since Mars’s atmosphere is thinner than ours and since the UV rays and solar radiation would burn them bad I thought they could just wear thick hats and cloths and allot of sunscreen while their outside so they wouldn’t have a problem with that.

Because of the low pressure they have most of there things attached to the ground, they also need a (n) electric compressor.

Since low pressure can give u a headache they are going to have to bring allot of Aspirin. And since it can make your ears pop they are going to bring a lot of gum and gummy bears and gummy worms.

Jonah didn’t bring his friends. Sometimes it’s dark.

DESIGN OF THE HABITAT

There is no breathable air on mars. So after they finish the space station they will take bottles of oxygen and spray the whole building. All doors are sealed shut unless they are opened.

The astronauts shot electricity into the atmosphere to separate fhe oxygen from the other gasses. They store it in an underground tank. There is a plug with a rope attached to it that hangs out into the science lab. To release oxygen, you pull on the rope. There are strips of rubber strapping the plug to the tank, so if you let go of the rope, the plug snaps back into place. [I gave this one high marks. Low tech = reliable!]

There is going to be a cafeteria on the middle floor, and astronauts will have mini fridges in their room. There is a connection from the cafeteria to the food cellar where the cook can pull up food.

In the bathroom you have to Deposit your waste into a bucket, then poor it in to the waste shoot. Your waste then goes down to the burning room where it is burned. This produces heat for the Base.

Since I already explained about the bathrooms, the water, and the food I will explain about the beds. They are not bunk beds but they are just regular single beds. Every astronaut gets their own bed. In the morning they have to go all the way to the dressing rooms to get dressed. [I suspect the writer of this paragraph has to share a bedroom.]

I was thinking like in the airplanes have oxygen masks you could hang them every where in your headquarters. You would be safe wherever you walked!

They would do all of their experiments and more in their lab which is part of their home and they would aloes bring all the tools they would need for the experiments, like test tubes, spoons, gloves ext.

There is a door to the janitors closet ( for spills and puke etc. )

Jonah wants to talk to people on Earth. He wants to set up Skype because of his laptop. He will hook up to his solar panels. He will need a special antenna. He will have to build it. It will have to be really big. It will take Jonah seven days to build it. He will grow food and air from plants. He will go and get rocks and make dirt for the plants. Now he is ready to talk to Earth.

EXPLORATION

For science experiments, they could study the rocks. They would go out in their astronaut suits and grab a rock. When they got back inside they could study it.

This is special iron. Every time you hit it, it blows up.

the second thing they saw was the space ranger that they have heard many stories about but never dreamed they would see it in person but now there it was all dusty,

‘We need to see if we are not alone. So we need to go back inside and get more air for are tanks. “Then we can go and see if there is anyone else here on This stinking planit named mars.”

CONCLUSION

When astronauts go to mars they need to be prepared. Mars is a far away planet. But then again, not so far away.

My conclusion is that if you go up to Mars you should be prepared. This essay will make sure of that. If you don’t have all of these things you will probably not be happy. I hope you take this into consideration.

SFWA Pacific Northwest Reading Series in Portland 4/16/12, Seattle 4/17/12

The greater Pacific Northwest is home to Ursula K. Le Guin, Kay Kenyon, Jay Lake, Nancy Kress, Brent Weeks, Ted Chiang and Ramona Quimby. Although Ramona isn’t known for her Science Fiction and Fantasy escapades, the rest are, and will be celebrated as part of the Pacific Northwest Reading Series. These free quarterly events provide the Northwest Science Fiction and Fantasy community a chance to gather, network and enjoy readings from local authors.

Each event starts with notes from the host, a leading local author, who has selected two of their favorite writers to complete the evening’s theme. In turn, each is given time to read from their latest work, interpreting and explaining their concepts and vision. In addition, space is provided for networking and conversation.

The next quarterly reading in Portland will be on Monday April 16, from 7:00 PM to 8:30 PM, at McMenamins Kennedy School, 5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Portland, OR 97211. New York Times Best-selling author Lillith Saintcrow will be hosting and reading, along with with Ted Kosmatka and Shanna Germain.

The next day the series proceeds to Seattle, on Tuesday April 17, also from 7:00 to 8:30 PM, at the Wild Rover Restaurant and Pub, 111 Central Way, Kirkland, WA 98033. New York Times Best-selling author Kat Richardson hosts and reads, along with Ted Kosmatka and Shanna Germain.

Both events are free and open to the public. For more information and to RSVP, please see http://www.sfwa.org/for-readers/sfwa-northwest-reading-series/

Compact Fluorescent bulbs

In my experience, compact fluorescent bulbs generally have a five to ten year guarantee and generally do not last nearly that long. I always save the package (or at least the guarantee and anything it calls for, typically the UPC) and the receipt, and write the installation date on the base of the bulb when I install it. Whenever one burns out, I check the date against the guarantee; if it’s less than the guaranteed lifetime I put the receipt and UPC in an envelope and send them to the manufacturer, who usually sends me one or more coupons for free light bulbs. They cost as much as twelve bucks a package, so it’s worth the effort for me.

FOGcon program

Word count: 12620 | Since last entry: 503

Heading off later today to the Bay Area for FOGcon. I’ll be on the following program items:

Friday 4:30 PM, Salon B/C: Designing Alien Bodies. Aliens are probably going to have very different biology than humans do. How do bodies evolve from their surrounding environments? What might be different if an alien evolved in a waterless wasteland, or a chlorine swamp, or in the goo-powered city we designed at FOGcon 1? Ann Wilkes (Moderator), Carol Dorf, M. Christian, David Levine.

Friday 9:30 PM, Sacramento: Mars Wants Our Genitals. Humanity has often been described as exogamous — if it’s strange, and new, we want to have sex with it. This was simple enough when it was the people from the group down the river who spoke strangely — but what will it mean as we move out into the universe? Writers have already gone there — James Tiptree Jr.’s “And I Awoke And Found Me Here By The Cold Hill’s Side”, for example. How will we relate to a universe whose expectations of sex (if they exist at all) may be very, very different from ours? Shannon Prickett (Moderator), Mary Anne Mohanraj, Steven Schwartz, David Levine, Jean Marie Stine.

Saturday 8:00 PM, Salon B/C: Ask a Pro. Ask a professional writer anything you like about craft, business, or whatever you want to know. David Levine (Moderator), Nalo Hopkinson, Rachel Swirsky, Jean Marie Stine, Nick Mamatas.

Sunday 1:00 PM, Santa Rosa: Reading 11. Daniel Marcus, David Levine, Chaz Brenchley.

Armored! Now available!

Word count: 12117 | Since last entry: 7043

Some of you have heard me read from my story “The Last Days of the Kelly Gang,” AKA the Steampunk Ned Kelly Power Armor Story. It’s longish, so I’ve never had the opportunity to read the whole thing and I always end on a massive cliffhanger.

This had a purpose. The purpose is to make you salivate to buy the story on the day it comes out. And that day is here!

Armored, a big fat anthology of power-armor stories edited by John Joseph Adams and published by Baen, is now available “wherever fine books are sold,” as they say. (Also, presumably, where crappy books are sold, but please don’t hold that against it.) I recommend that you buy it from Powell’s. You can also buy the ebook directly from Baen in a wide variety of DRM-free formats.

In addition to my story, Armored includes stories by Tobias Buckell, Genevieve Valentine, Jack McDevitt, Simon R. Green, David Barr Kirtley (I love that one), Michael A. Stackpole, Alastair Reynolds, Tanya Huff, Carrie Vaughn, Daniel H. Wilson, and others. And if that isn’t enough to convince you to buy it, you can check out the editor’s website for the book which includes several sample stories, interviews with the authors, and more.

Ding! Ding! Salivate, little readers, salivate! And buy!

For your Hugo consideration

Word count: 5074 | Since last entry: 4274

The deadline for Hugo Award nominations is March 11, and I hope that you will consider my stories “The Tides of the Heart” (fantasy short story, from Realms of Fantasy) and “Citizen-Astronaut” (SF novelette, from Analog).

You can read them for free here:

The HTML files are plain old web pages that you can read in any browser. The EPUB files are ebooks that you can download and read on your computer, phone, tablet, or ebook reader; they are completely free and unencumbered by DRM. The MOBI files are ebooks for the Kindle ebook reader; they are also completely free and unencumbered by DRM.

This is the first time I’ve done an ebook conversion, so if you have any feedback on the formatting, appearance, navigability, readability, or other quality of the ebook, please email me.

Enjoy!

Research

Over on a mailing list I’m on, there’s been a discussion about how wrong the movies and TV often are about guns (e.g. how easy it is to hit a target while jumping, running, etc.), which led to a discussion of how wrong fiction often is about other things, like horses and computers.

I’ve learned that the more you know about anything (computers, horses, guns, medicine), the more you realize that fiction and the popular press get them completely wrong. It’s really not a good idea to believe anything you read.

When writing popular fiction, you will never be able to satisfy 100% of your readers with the accuracy of your portrayals (the TV show ER had several doctors on staff as technical advisers, and they often disagreed even with each other), so there’s no point in researching too much or worrying too much about getting it 100% right. Furthermore, even completely accurate facts, backed up with research and personal experience, may bounce the reader out of the story if they conflict too much with the reader’s expectations. But if you rely only on what you remember from reading fiction, not only will your facts be wrong but the story will be lazy, flabby, and unsurprising.

It’s a balancing act. The trick is to do just enough research that you can surprise your readers (the average reader) with unexpected details that make the work feel fresh and realistic.

Often the only way to get to that point is to do too much research and then, reluctantly, leave a lot of the really cool stuff out.